Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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