Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
