GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How external is "for external use only"?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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