so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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