Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
