I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
