She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So vagazzling was a success
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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