My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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