he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
