if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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