I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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