Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
