3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
