He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want her autograph on my taint
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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