apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
