Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
