Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
