fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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