I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
