The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
