I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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