I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
