arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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