so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This can only be settled by a dance off.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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