Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
