I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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