i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize