My Higher Power is John Stamos
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
