I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
