if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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