You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
