hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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