your parents love me but you hate me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
so much tequila, so little girl.
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