he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
is it fun? or sober?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize