i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
