just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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