apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
