Someone shit on the floor
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
