I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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