Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
