That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
