the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just cropdusted the office
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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