I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
