He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
