I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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