i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
