booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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