I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize