new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
