You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
