Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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