There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize