did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
