I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
