I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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