Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
