she woke up with a sticky ear
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
40s are totally the cure
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
