You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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