So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
