Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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