I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
