Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
