Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
